Jennifer Plesko

Since the concept of divorce became real in my life, there have been a lot of people who have given me advice or encouragement. I know that all of them mean well, and many times people, particularly those who have been in my situation, provide good insight. But some of the opinions I hear concern me.

It seems that there is an attitude that is becoming more and more prevalent in our society, and it goes a long way toward explaining the ridiculous divorce rates. It’s an attitude I’ve seen in popular books. It’s an attitude I’ve seen on television and in movies. It’s an attitude expressed to me many times in the last several months. It’s the idea that marriage vows are only true as long as you want them to be. It’s as if people are saying “’til death do us part” but what they mean is “until I don’t feel like being married anymore”…”until you start to get in my way”…”until you become boring or old.”

This egocentric notion seems to have caused an epidemic of inflated self entitlement and marriage becomes a question of “why isn’t my spouse making me happy?” But what are you doing to make your spouse happy? What are you doing to better your relationship? Why are you relying on someone else to fulfill all of your needs?

That is not what marriage is about. It’s about making a lifelong commitment to grow towards intimacy and oneness. That means that both parties have to work on improving themselves, serving each other and working on their relationship. When something is not right, you try to find solution together. You don’t go looking for greener pastures. And if both of you aren’t prepared for that level of commitment, please don’t get married. If marriage to you is about wanting to be taken care of or swept off your feet, don’t get married. If you’re going into it thinking “I do, for now,” don’t get married. If you aren’t willing to be there even if your spouse becomes senile, terminally ill, or otherwise incapacitated, don’t get married. Because divorce comes with a lot of collateral damage - more than you realize.

Are there valid reasons for divorce? Of course there are. Sometimes it can even be a necessity. But I am seeing fewer examples of that and more examples of people just treating marriage like a used tissue.

I’ve witnessed successful marriages. They do exist. And they are the product of years of mutual respect, maturity, love, humility, and divine intervention. And they are totally worth the effort.