Jennifer Plesko

I went to a baby shower last weekend for one of my sweetest friends. As you can imagine, since I’m so old, this was not my first rodeo. I have been to my fair share of baby showers over the years, and I’ve noticed that there are some unspoken rules that people tend to adhere to. So in case you’re inexperienced in this area, allow me to clue you in so we’re all on the same page. You’re welcome.

• The estrogen and cuteness in the room must be so palpable that it could make Chuck Norris run screaming like a schoolgirl. No really. Make sure it looks like Martha Stewart had a seizure in there.
• Because of all the estrogen, everyone’s voice is required to go up an octave. This is especially important when greeting people and observing the unwrapping of the gifts. Which brings me to my next point.
• You must break down every word you say into extra syllables. (Example:  “Ohhhh maaahhhh gooosshhhhh. Thaaaaat is soooooo kaaahhhhyyyoooooott!!!”) That way everyone knows you’re being sincere.
• Because everyone is on their best behavior, no one will touch the food until one brave soul grabs a plate and gingerly places one finger sandwich on it. Then, gradually everyone will follow suit taking one grape here, one cheese cube there. But by the third or fourth round, the decorum is gone and everyone’s piling food on their plate like it’s their last meal. That’s the part where I really shine.
• It’s ok to bring your baby with you. If he’s well-behaved, it will make the guest of honor look forward to her new addition even more. And if he’s screaming bloody murder, well, at least there won’t be any surprises. Win win.

But seriously - congratulations Lauren. You’re going to be a beautiful mom. And thank you to the hostesses for not making us identify melted candy bars in diapers.

(And for not having a cake like this. Thanks for the nightmares, Cakewrecks.)