they’re all gonna laugh at you
Last week, there was a story in the news that got quite a bit of attention. A 15-year-old girl named Phoebe Prince killed herself because she could no longer deal with the torture of her classmates, and now several of those students are being charged with various things. Many people read that story, shake their head and utter things like “What a shame,” “It’s the school’s fault,” or “Where were the adults?” I read that and say “That could’ve been me.”
When I was in junior high, I too was targeted by a group of girls because one of them decided that I was trying to steal her boyfriend. I actually found her boyfriend repulsive, but that didn’t matter. They needed a target, and I was quiet, shy, and convenient. Every day, I was terrified to go to school, terrified to walk down the halls between classes, terrified of the lunch room, and terrified to wait for my ride after school.
My days were spent slipping through the school like a shadow, trying to go unnoticed. If they did find me, I was ridiculed, threatened, laughed at, and humiliated. Even my “best friend” turned against me because, you know, it’s every girl for herself in that world and standing up for me would be social suicide. She’d be nice to me again when she needed a ride to school or wanted to borrow my new Girbauds.
My eating disorder started around this time, and I dropped 20 pounds off my already thin frame. I ended up in therapy and on anti-depressants. One psychiatrist even wanted to put me in in-patient treatment. There were times I did feel suicidal. And had Facebook or MySpace or texting or the internet in general been around as it is today, I can only imagine how much worse it would have been.
Fortunately, my story has a happier ending. The girl who bullied me actually called me before the first day of following school year and apologized to me. She never bothered me again, and I think we even ate lunch at the same table a few times.
But even now, 17 years later, I know some of my anger issues stem from those days. And what I’ve found in the last few years is that bullies don’t merely exist in grade school. I’ve watched grown adults - with businesses and mortgages and children - cause just as much damage to people’s lives. Maybe more. But instead of pushing or shoving or threatening to beat someone up after school, they whisper and gossip and lie and manipulate. They skew the truth as they see fit. They ruin reputations and relationships. Some of them are so good at what they do they actually make you question your own sanity. You are the victim, and yet somehow you end up the bad guy. When I experienced the full force of that, a lot of those old scabs were ripped off and that rage I had stuffed down for so long began to simmer. It took all that I had to keep it from boiling over. After all, I am too pretty for prison.
But I had one thing going for me then that I did not have in junior high: confidence. I knew that these were sick, twisted people whose approval I didn’t need or even want. And the people who do matter are the ones who love me and respect me. And I wish I could go back to 13-year-old me, or even 15-year-old Phoebe, and hug her and tell her that.
April 6th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
I was verbally teased and was so stresssed in High school that I began to cut and burn myself. When I see those kids who taunted me, today I can’t help but feel threatened still.. its a very difficult thing to overcome. I think the kids need alot of support. We should keep a watchful eye over these situations instead of brushing them off as normal teenager things, we have to help them out, and take care of them. Let them know they will get through the tough times, that none of what they say is true and that they aren’t alone in the world.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:16 am
I, too, was bullied … not as badly as you, but school wasn’t fun once junior high started. This is on the top 10 list of things I worry about now that I have a child.
April 8th, 2010 at 11:21 am
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that hateful — no, let’s call it what it is — evil behavior. Until we take bullying seriously, more children and young adults will have to bear the same. Heartbreaking.
It’s hard to talk about, because it is too often treated as an admission of weakness. “Oh, you’re too sensitive.” “What’s the big deal? Just kids screwing around.” But it isn’t over-sensitivity, and it is a big deal. I’d call it outright anti-Christian, too; hard to picture Jesus laughing while he shoved someone into a locker, isn’t it?
I don’t know if there’s a solution, but I think your suggestion of watchfulness is an excellent start. And those of us who were bullied, well, we need to summon that anger and stand up for those who can’t.
April 10th, 2010 at 12:37 am
I used to hug the 13-year-old Jennifer and tell her how loved and respected she was, but you know - she didn’t really believe me. Nevertheless, if I had another child I would do it for him/her. I believe that children (especially “tweens”) need all of the love and support we can give them. They probably don’t need as much criticism as we give them.
For the child it is anger and fear; for the parent it is fear and worry. It is worrisome, as Tammy said, when you have a child going through all of it. It is a real struggle to communicate, and often you just don’t know what is going on in your child’s life because they cannot tell you. I guess you just have to keep loving, supporting, talking, and hugging.