outcast
The world makes divorce look easy. Even glamorous. Some people make cakes and throw parties to celebrate it. Some people act as if divorce and freedom are one in the same. I’ve never had those sorts of notions about it, but I did think I had already grieved. After all, it’s not as though things were perfect and then they suddenly weren’t. I’ve been facing this possibility for years. But I was completely unprepared for the reality of the situation to set in.
You see, when the Bible says you become one flesh with this person, it’s hardly a metaphor. You are connected on a spiritual level whether you are a spiritual person or not. Your lives are completely intertwined. And when you rip that institution apart, you aren’t left with two whole individuals. You are left with two people with jagged edges and holes missing.
It feels like a death. A death of who I was, who I thought I would be, the life I’d planned, my hopes, my dreams, my status in society. I have been married since I was 23. Nearly seven years. And I haven’t been single since I was 14. I just hopped seamlessly from one relationship to the next and met hubby when I was 19. I have no idea how to be a single adult. Not a clue. And if last night is any indication of what the future holds for me, I may move to a convent.
I don’t fit in with the twenty- and thirty-somethings in the bar scene. I don’t fit in with married couples. I don’t fit in with families with young kids. I am only 30, but I have lived through more pain, turmoil, and stress than some 50-year-olds I know. I look young and feel old. I don’t know where I fit anymore.
And some days, I can find peace and be grateful for all the good things in my life and for the opportunity to learn and grow. But other days, I am shaking my fist at God and ranting about the unfairness of it all. Every aspect of my life is changing, and I can’t do a thing about it.
I’ve been warned about the spectrum of emotions I will likely experience: anxiety, anger, fear, despair, apathy. I think I touched on all of those in the last week. Maybe the last day. And he hasn’t even filed the papers yet. I wish I could fast-forward through all this.
February 21st, 2010 at 3:55 pm
I wish you could,too. All this time in limbo isn’t helping you to get on with the healing. I love you so much and I wish I could make it go away. Hugs and prayers.
February 21st, 2010 at 6:46 pm
It breaks my heart that you are going throw this, your such are a wonderful person. I just want you to know that you are in my prayers and God will get you throw this storm he is with you.
February 21st, 2010 at 7:37 pm
It takes time for wounds to heal, and it takes a lot of time for life-changing wounds to heal. The pain can be soothed a bit by wrapping yourself in the friends and family that love you.
February 21st, 2010 at 10:14 pm
I am so very sorry that anyone else has to go through this. It truly is a very low point when you tread this path.
However, when something is broken down, it is a great time to rebuild. Adding strength and character is never easy and never painless (and rarely fast)…but it does happen.
At a time when things are tough…when demons chase you by night and the stark reality of life chases you by day…find one thing to be thankful of and relax and basque in the aura of thankfulness to God. Find one thing that is beautiful and allow your spirit to be touched by the warmth of beauty that God gave us. Find one thing peaceful and fall into yourself, that tranquil spot, and recharge your soul knowing God led you there.
Somedays I struggled to even find one thing…but if I’d allow myself a few minutes of meditation He always showed me something.
You’ll live through this…and come out better for it.
-Costas
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:03 am
*Hugs*
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:58 pm
You’ll get through this, promise. Yes it will suck. Probably more at times than others. We’re here for you. (((((((((Jennifer)))))))))
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:45 pm
I am so sorry you are going through this. My first husband and I divorced when I turned 30. Unlike you, we had kids, so that makes it tougher in different areas. However, I had never lived on my own in my entire life. I met him when I was 19 and lived with my parents until our wedding day. I really thought my life was over. Here I was with two kids, broke, I didn’t even know how to cook. I had to pawn jewelry to buy groceries. When my kids were at their dads I would drink to fall asleep (until a friend intervened).
BUT…looking back now, I really mostly remember the fun times my boys and I had. And how I discovered so much about myself. I felt so out of place too. I lost all of “our” friends. I couldn’t relate to other singles who didn’t have kids. But…I did find my niche.
It was hard, but I am so thankful for the experience I got. I ended up being such a stronger person than I ever imagined. And to this day my boys have no idea how bad things were.
Divorce is a horrible thing to experience, you won’t get any argument from me. It is survivable though. And I know from your blog and your tweets that you have a good support system and they will help you get through this, just be sure you let them.
March 14th, 2010 at 12:13 am
I’m so sorry you’re going through this
I know what it’s like but luckily we didn’t have divorce papers (we weren’t married). I have been there and felt that pain, even tho it was MY idea for the split. Even if you want the split, it still hurts. Does that make sense?? Took a while to find my niche but eventually ended up finding the perfect man for me (thank God!!). Hang in there lovely woman. God will get you through this. He did for me 