Jennifer Plesko

Over the last 29 years, 10 months and 27 days, I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to please everyone. Does he/she like me? Maybe if I’m perfect and wonderful and awesome and bake cookies for them and give them rides to the airport and let them borrow my clothes, they will like me! What? They still don’t like me enough? What if I give them a puppy? Or a kidney?

I’ve allowed myself to be abused and taken advantage of for years, and I have no idea why. I had an idyllic childhood. I had my parents’ love and encouragement and attention. Why have I been obsessed with gaining the approval of others? It even bothered me when people I didn’t like didn’t like me back. How dare you not like me! I’m way more likeable than you! … Sure.

It was only about a year ago that I had this phenomena labeled for me. They called it codependent. A counselor once gave me The Codependent Person Profile to look over:

• I feel responsible for the feelings, needs, and actions of people I am close to
• I try to fix the problems of those people, even to the detriment of my own well-being
• I can discern the thoughts of those people but cannot identify my own
• I know the feelings of those people but do not know my own
• I do things for others that they are capable of doing for themselves
• I feel angry when my help is not wanted
• I tend to be rigid and judgmental in the eyes of others
• I judge myself more harshly than I judge others
• I deny my own feelings and needs - so I’ve been told
• I feel guilty when I stand up for myself
• I feel good about giving but have difficult receiving
• I try to be perfect in order to avoid anger or criticism
• I look for my worth in the approval of others
• I find that I am attracted to needy people and that needy people are attracted to me

Is 12 out of 14 bad? It is? Then, I guess I have a problem.

So while I attempt to work on this serious character flaw of mine, I decided the first thing I should do is stop putting effort into one-sided relationships.

For instance, there is a friend that I’ve had for a long time who goes back and forth between communicating with me and ignoring me. And when she does communicate with me, most of the time it’s because she wants something from me. And because I was desperate to stay her friend and wanted her to keep liking me, I’d always oblige. I used to call it loyal. Now, it seems kinda pathetic. It’s clear that she’s “just not that into me.” So I’ve sent my last unanswered email. It’s a little scary to give up on a friendship that’s been a part of my life for such a long time, but I’ve learned that pouring effort into those types of relationships can completely bleed you dry. It’s like giving all your money to a compulsive gambler; you don’t get much return on your investment.

Since this behavior has been ingrained in me for so long, it’s going to take a lot of effort to break old habits, but I think it’s worth it so that my next thirty years can be full of relationships that don’t so closely resemble an MTV reality show.

Update: I feel like I need to add a disclaimer … If you’re reading this, it’s not you