open letter to proactiv
Dear Proactiv,
You and I have been friends for the better part of a decade now. When my hormones shot through the roof and my skin became a raging den of whiteheads, you were there to clean up the mess. When my dermatologist kept giving me overpriced topical ointments that turned me into an arid, flaky wreck, you were the only thing that brought peace and tranquility to my appearance. I would gladly sign a multimillion-dollar deal appear on your commercial looking fresh-faced and youthful singing your praises next to a sad, old, zitty picture of my former self.
But there is still one thing I simply cannot understand. How can a multimillion dollar corporation such as yourself take weeks to deliver your product, and a 61-year-old potato farmer from Australia managed to run over 500 miles in five days?
My order was apparently shipped almost two weeks ago, and I am still reduced to drilling holes in the bottom of my old bottles to eke out the last remnants of acne-fighting goodness because I refuse to buy more at the fricking mall kiosk when I should be getting more any gosh darn day now! In fact, that’s probably your ploy. Get us hooked on your extremely effective product, then wait until we’re desperate, zit-covered freaks to finally deliver the product in the hopes that we will have already sprung for another three-piece kit at regular price instead of the reduced club price. It’s all making sense now.
You just wait. I won’t have acne forever. Just another twenty years or so. Then I won’t use your product anymore, and then you’ll be sorry.
Love and kisses,
The Introvert
April 14th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
And that is why I quit my proactive subscription.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Perhaps if Proactive paid Jessica Simpson less money, they could hire Cliff Young, the 61 year old potato farmer, to make their deliveries. I am not sure if he is still alive, but i bet he would still be more efficient than the US Postal Service.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:49 am
My SIL introduced me to Proactiv when I hit my 30’s and suddenly had (mild) acne. I still use the facial cleanser which is sent to me about every six weeks. Also? It destroys towels.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Kelsey - I would too if anything else on the planet worked!
Mark - You’re probably right. Thanks for letting me link to you
Tootsie - I learned about the towel thing the hard way…after I ruined my BFF’s brand new towels when I spent the weekend there. Plus, in the summer it has been known to seep out through my sweat and bleach my clothes. Sexy, huh?
April 15th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I’ve been considering Proactiv, but my skin is dry overall–I just have one small spot that breaks out. I’m pretty sure this is some cosmic revenge for my clear-skinned youth!
April 15th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I wish proactiv had worked for me. My skin couldn’t hack it, though. It dried me out too much. I wish something worked, though. It’s pretty lame to be pushing 30 and still have the skin of a 14 year old.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Okay. I didn’t know how to answer you on Twitter! I’m lame. There was a news report today that there is a chemical in plastic bottles that may cause early puberty in girls.
April 19th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I have been meaning to try this product in the last couple of months I have been getting massive whiteheads. Sounds like it works over all if the post office worked better:)